My whole life, I've been different. Average in some things, sucking at a slim few, way above average in others, but definitely out of normal. Strive to be better the proverbial They said. Yet, always, around the corner, some insignificant asshole was waiting to knock me back down to "reality." Harsh words, subtle comments, sometimes just straight up meanness, it was always there lurking. No wonder I was afraid of success because I knew, if I got too close, if I got too happy, one of those ginning bastards would come shooting from the shadows to knock me back into the box of what THEY needed me to be.
Well, I've spent a good bit of the last 15 or so years still afraid of success, but not really giving two shits what other people thought. I mean, yes I cared, but I didn't hear harsh judgements unless someone let it slip. I wasn't cocky, nor ego-centric. I played well with others. I did wear a mask. A mask that said I would protect and care for others blindly, that I have frankly grown sick of, as most have taken it for granted, and abused it in some way or another. Until recently, this was my m.o. then it all came crashsing down.
There was about a three week period where I couldn't do anything right. I was too this, too that. I needed to do this this a certain way, not to talk to x person about y, y person only about y and z but not w. I've never been good at algebra unless it was applied to geometry or aeronautical physics, and these were people. I trust my own sensibilities with people. Admittedly, I suck at relationships, but platonic people, I can pick some good folks, and steer clear of fruit bats with the best of them. I don't, at this stage in the game, need instruction, on how to be in the world. I needed a haircut. I was told that I was a know-it-all. I have a condescending tone. The quarter of a million dollar Master's (and whatnot) I'd just spent the better part of 6 years killing myself over was brought into question, and I was not thought of as a "medical professional" however 17 states DIS-A-FUCKING-GREE! Those states, see me as the equivalent of an NP, DO, or PA, as I have had the same Western training as well as Eastern training.
I let it get to me. I allowed it in. I relinquished power. I let go as though I were back in eighth grade with the mean girls. I played it off as though several people were coming at me like this, but it was a singular individual. Five people who don't talk, who don't know each other, have agreed on one word. Jealousy.
But of what? I have nothing. I do nothing. Is it my dreams? My potential to break the molds? My willingness to prove people wrong? My openness to change? I believe, on a very deep level that it is my capability for introspection where all the potential there is capability for extrospection. It is a daily progression from one judge show to another judge show to another judge show to NCIS, to TMZ, to a magician who willfully puts people in stressful situations that are not funny in the least bit. There, beside the television is a surveillance system, not just on their premises, but on about 200sq yds to analyze and observe and judge the goings on of others. Yes, it's been helpful in ONE crime. It's there to watch.
I have had several conversations about this with the individual. I took my warrior mask off. I let my guard down. I was told, "I don't know who hardened you, which one of your parents it was..." And the whole time I'm thinking, "assholes like you who think it's their place to put me in my place" better still, to decide what that place is!
And the defiance swells. I get my lessons from a Higher place Sapiens.
I am studying what caused me to flop over like a weak cat. Still can't figure that one out, but I will, and I won't be doing it again soon. There may be backlash because of this blog, but I don't care due to the numerous conversations that have been held at the expense of my self worth and esteem, without benefit of my presence to explain the apparent conundrums of my oft perplexing and perturbing existence. I don't care any more. I will not shut up. I will continue to talk too much. I will forget things. I'm going to smoke too much at times. I'm not royalty, therefore I will speak of my actions in the singular unless I am specifically in the presence of another Sapiens, Idaltu, or Khamlup. I will sleep when I feel like it. I will write my sorry, whole ass off because it makes me happy, whole, and sane. Last time I checked, we still had First Amendment Rights, not Suggestions, and look! Here they are in action! Uncensored even!
Well, I've spent a good bit of the last 15 or so years still afraid of success, but not really giving two shits what other people thought. I mean, yes I cared, but I didn't hear harsh judgements unless someone let it slip. I wasn't cocky, nor ego-centric. I played well with others. I did wear a mask. A mask that said I would protect and care for others blindly, that I have frankly grown sick of, as most have taken it for granted, and abused it in some way or another. Until recently, this was my m.o. then it all came crashsing down.
There was about a three week period where I couldn't do anything right. I was too this, too that. I needed to do this this a certain way, not to talk to x person about y, y person only about y and z but not w. I've never been good at algebra unless it was applied to geometry or aeronautical physics, and these were people. I trust my own sensibilities with people. Admittedly, I suck at relationships, but platonic people, I can pick some good folks, and steer clear of fruit bats with the best of them. I don't, at this stage in the game, need instruction, on how to be in the world. I needed a haircut. I was told that I was a know-it-all. I have a condescending tone. The quarter of a million dollar Master's (and whatnot) I'd just spent the better part of 6 years killing myself over was brought into question, and I was not thought of as a "medical professional" however 17 states DIS-A-FUCKING-GREE! Those states, see me as the equivalent of an NP, DO, or PA, as I have had the same Western training as well as Eastern training.
I let it get to me. I allowed it in. I relinquished power. I let go as though I were back in eighth grade with the mean girls. I played it off as though several people were coming at me like this, but it was a singular individual. Five people who don't talk, who don't know each other, have agreed on one word. Jealousy.
But of what? I have nothing. I do nothing. Is it my dreams? My potential to break the molds? My willingness to prove people wrong? My openness to change? I believe, on a very deep level that it is my capability for introspection where all the potential there is capability for extrospection. It is a daily progression from one judge show to another judge show to another judge show to NCIS, to TMZ, to a magician who willfully puts people in stressful situations that are not funny in the least bit. There, beside the television is a surveillance system, not just on their premises, but on about 200sq yds to analyze and observe and judge the goings on of others. Yes, it's been helpful in ONE crime. It's there to watch.
I have had several conversations about this with the individual. I took my warrior mask off. I let my guard down. I was told, "I don't know who hardened you, which one of your parents it was..." And the whole time I'm thinking, "assholes like you who think it's their place to put me in my place" better still, to decide what that place is!
And the defiance swells. I get my lessons from a Higher place Sapiens.
I am studying what caused me to flop over like a weak cat. Still can't figure that one out, but I will, and I won't be doing it again soon. There may be backlash because of this blog, but I don't care due to the numerous conversations that have been held at the expense of my self worth and esteem, without benefit of my presence to explain the apparent conundrums of my oft perplexing and perturbing existence. I don't care any more. I will not shut up. I will continue to talk too much. I will forget things. I'm going to smoke too much at times. I'm not royalty, therefore I will speak of my actions in the singular unless I am specifically in the presence of another Sapiens, Idaltu, or Khamlup. I will sleep when I feel like it. I will write my sorry, whole ass off because it makes me happy, whole, and sane. Last time I checked, we still had First Amendment Rights, not Suggestions, and look! Here they are in action! Uncensored even!
