The Only Way Out is Through

I haven't written a post in a while because the old emotions have been pretty scattered and raw, as though someone had taken an Amish draw blade to the edges of my very soul. I'd been prepping for months for a surgery on my spine. Going to every appointment, arranging for drivers (like flying over the Pacific and finding a Blue Whale) however randomly scheduled, in whatever end of the state they made the appointment, and whatever randomly selected, painful, useless, just-for-fun test they scheduled, and three days before the procedure, they cancel it. Why? Because my bitch shrink, after 4 hour-plus appointments could not manage to type two, non-fancy sentences to approve the surgery before she quit, although she managed to spit out two LENGTHY emails as to why she was quitting, and thus why she could NOT recommend me for the surgery, because SHE couldn't do follow-up. C U Next Tuesday. Every single person I came in contact with, in three entire healthcare systems, FAILED ME for 7 solid months. I had a screaming, throwing shit, meltdown of monumental, historic proportions all by myself. No one to talk to. Not a soul to hear it. Nobody to fucking call.
So There's that.
Years of pain. 5 years of epidurals, which are rude on a good day, but buy time. No one volunteers for that shit unless there is a major problem. I was NEVER offered sedation, but I hear they do that for people in pain clinics outside the VA LOL, only 'a little' lidocaine 30 seconds before the screaming began. In January, I was given hope of relief for the first time in 10 years. Sleep! Solid sleep for the first time in ten years. On a good night, I get maybe 3 hours 'rest' out of 5 hours 'sleep', that is if I sleep at all.
I came back here with hopes of new beginnings. Well, things haven't really worked out that way. The move itself put me in debt. I should have taken the difficulty in getting in touch with realtors as a sign I shouldn't drop anchor here, but I did it anyway. Quagmire. Swamp of Infection. Dusty trail of randomly moving rocks. Shit-Storm Maximus. I am too old for this shit. I am too smart for this shit. I am too good for this shit.
Lay on top of all that three distinct Liger swipes to my self-esteem, and you're looking at someone who is getting ready to lease a small space somewhere near Bluefield, VA 6 months out of the year, and the other 6 months, who the fuck knows? Most likely Carolina or Aguadilla, PR. Maybe a little Bourdain "Parts Unknown" in between, because seriously, I don't fucking know, and I honestly don't fucking care anymore. There is no thing, and only my parents to tie me here, and the weather is ok for 4 months. All of my "friends" are online and live other places. I'm tired of being unhappy, and being around unhappy people. I was happy for a little while, I was getting my feet up under me, and the closest person to me, at the time, went straight for the jugular. Then a few tentative tries to ease back in, and I am just keeping it as far away as I can. I think I am keeping everyone at bay for now, because I don't WANT any ties here. In fact, just this second, I've decided that as soon as I heal up from my surgery, and actually heal, not the 29 days I had with my knee, I am weighing anchor. Maybe a boat on a canal in the Netherlands. I have a clean passport, language skills, a congressman, and 179 days to be anywhere I damn well please. 

Elevator Confessions 8/28

Elevator Confessions

* I've been sitting on this one for about 4 weeks, so bear with me. I do things often for folks without expecting anything in return, but recently I did something HUGE, for someone I don't even know, and was given a "ty" text via the mutual friend. Really? Is that what we have devolved into? I know that my expectations for myself are extraordinarily, ridiculously high as far as set-bars go, but damn, really? Someone is going to go WAY out of their way for you, late at night, leave you some expensive and hard to come by things for later, and all you think to do in return is manage a "ty from ——" text? ME? I would have gone out of my way to get in touch with that person and fallen all over myself with gratitude, but she couldn't even take the time to type out 'thank you'…on the deathbed one minute, me getting home at close to 1am had to be in Durham by 8, and 12 hours later, they were at a softball tournament at the beach. Am i wrong to smell shit here?
* Speaking of people losing their minds. I WENT OUT with someone ONCE. We talked for couple of weeks. Totally incompatible for many different reasons. She went DEFCON 5 crazy on me when she felt me backing away, and I left it alone. Then out of the blue in July (a month later with no impetus), after only the mention of a first name, and I would LOVE to know how she got the last name, HomeFry went crying to my EX about me being crazy, and NEEDY, and CLINGY, and that when SHE'D tried to end it, I'd gone ballistic… My ex actually stood up for me, saying that that didn't sound like me at all. A person who HATES me stood up for me, and I have the texts to prove it. Kind of impressive but disturbing at the same time.
* I totally cheated on myself this week and drank a 24pk of soda. Coke. IN.HALED.IT. But, it made me feel jiggly, and my kidney's hurt, and my teeth were unusually sticky and discolored again. TYJ for MiO I did it after the week I'd had and the shots to the knee coming, I needed some happy and thought fizzy would do it, it didn't.
* 5 Months no cigarettes. yay me! IF there was ever a time I'd start back it was this month and I didn't, so I think I'm in the clear. I have seriously cut back on my vaping as well. I love the ‪#‎iTasteMVP‬ for so many reasons, but the puff counter ROCKS! When I first got it I was over 350 a day, and now if I am alone, and not wrecked by something, I'm under 200.
* No one told me that when I lost the equivalent of a 2nd grader that I would need an entirely different wardrobe. ‪#‎thankgodIkeptsomesmallpants‬‪#‎swimmininmyshirts‬
* ‪#‎Bittyman‬ is a creep. At 22 pounds and almost 15" tall there is nothing sneaky or subtle about him (not to mention he has the grace of a nervous dog). So, when he wants to sit by me, or on me which is 23.5 hours out of the day, he's all slow, and panther-y and he won't make eye contact, like he's not doing it, then he flops down like a brick right on my arm, as if I wouldn't notice. Every day, all day long. Creepy creeper.
* I'd love to have long hair for a little while, but I CANNOT make it through the "in between" stages. I get to a point, look in the mirror, and scream "that's it!" and run to the closest set of shears I can find.
* The isolation has reached catastrophic mass. Some decisions have been made. They say that long-term social isolation has negative effects on the psyche. I though it was just for like feral children and Solitary confinement, but no…I'm completely okay it just sucks on an intolerable level, and i fear that this is not the when or where I am supposed to be since everything I have touched since I got here has turned to shit. Time to reassess.‪#‎badidea7438‬

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