Rube Goldberg and Organic Relationships

ALERT: I am by no means an expert, a therapist, or even someone whom I would say has been in a hugely successful relationship, but I will say that I am experienced in that I have seen a vast spectrum of them.

I've been out of a relationship for some time now, and thinking about new ones. I don't get out much, I am awkwardly shy at times, so I have been half-ass browsing on line. Yes, the only thing I have ever done half-assed. There are some odd damn birds out there. People who want to meet immediately, people who want to drag it out, analyzing each and every step like a chess match. People who immediately want to invade every aspect of your life, and people who… you wouldn't want around your livestock.

In speaking with some of these folks, and in watching all of the past and current episodes of the show Catfish on MTV, there is a very skewed vision of relationships these days. It's like everyone believes they are Rube Goldberg machines. Set up as if/then quantum potentials with known outcomes at every juncture. Yes, there are some that have known quantities. If my girlfriend goes to work at a strip club we will break up on the spot. No ifs ands or buts about it, zero questions about great money and getting ahead, fantastic vacations. I could give two shits, it ain't going to happen in my world ever again. That said, not every relationship is a specific chain of events. For example, why would someone go on line, put in their profile that they are a "hopeless romantic" looking for a relationship, and then be asinine about 'what' a relationship is by the very definition, and then immediately say that they do not want a relationship? For Fuck's sake, tell me not with me. Tell me that you've met someone else, that you're only capable of focusing on one person at a time, but do not unload your shit truck  at my door step, and tell me that something is wrong with me, a person you met in person 3 weeks ago.

A relationship, in my humble opinion, should be something that grows. An organic entity that develops between two people not by force, not by labor, not by gravitas, not by grandeur, gifts,  nor good words. It should evolve as the individuals within it evolve, changing, growing, adding layers, and releasing other layers as they become unnecessary, together and separately. Each relationship between individuals being totally different, uncompromising in their approach to respecting one another, being kind, being sweet, and being understanding of the individual that approaches that relationship.

I honestly think I would rather be alone now than have it any other way. I don't want to be in a machine. I don't want to be quantum projection. I want a living breathing organism filled with joy, abundance, sweetness, love, happiness and above all kindness and mutual respect; that, or nothing at all.

Next blog on Crazy Makers I promise LOL

Take The Red Pill to make the Red flags GLOW

I have been doing a great deal of thinking about relationships lately. Reflecting on the ones I have had in the past, ones I may have in the future. This includes romantic as well as friendly. Two months ago, I began talking to someone on line, we met, seemed good. There was a little crazy, but it wasn't coming from her, it was around her. So that was new. Crazy around someone is very different from crazy within, in my experience. Crazy-makers are in a league of their very own. (Remind me to get to that later.) Let's be clear now about what crazy is as I am referring to it.

"Crazy" means erratic behavior. Not just your run-of-the-mill, average moody, ups and downs of every day life, work, laundry, grocery shopping, drinks or meals with friends,  nutty cousins, family reunions. Crazy, in the sense I mean it today, means a constant upheaval about something. Running constantly on 'errands' that involved a family member's addictions; note the plural. Constantly changing work schedule, one car, two jobs, five people, and a past. A past with more baggage than a Royal Caribbean Oasis-class ship. A violent past, fueled with hate, anger, and confusion. Red flags call for the red pill, (Matrix reference to seeing reality) so my eyes were open wide, and watching with a quiet vigilance.

I needed to take a speedy trip out of town and invited her to go with. The first of the two days was beautiful. We talked, laughed, and were very affectionate with one another. I had no expectations, but it was nice. She slept a little and was checking to make sure I was there in her sleep. It was sweet. I've been craving just plain old sweet in my life, so it was perfect. We stayed with a friend to minimize cost, and I was exposed to some history. Some major history. I found out the crazy was within. I saw some of the anger return. The next day, on the 9 hour return drive, after a 4 hour nap. She slept the entire way home. She woke up for 2 bathroom breaks, and a quick meal, and about 45 minutes. She asked if I was going to  'kidnap' her to meet my kitties the following week for 3 nights and 2 days. Sure. Plans made. I keep agreements. I drop her off, she invites me in, offered me a bathroom break.
She was still being incredibly affectionate with me. I left on what I thought were great terms, and plans for the following week. I got home, went to sleep after having driven 1300 miles in the last 36 hours on 4 hours sleep and woke up to an utter shit storm.

First it was, "It's going to be a looooong time before I am ready to be in a relationship." Then, she, Bubblegum, was allegedly asleep for twenty hours. Then came an argument about who someone was, because everyone she knows has a damn nickname and like three of them are Snicker-something. It was a misunderstanding on my end, but DEFCON 3 on hers. Then another argument about something that should have been innocuous, but it was the end of the world. Then another one, and another, and another. Then came a sweet day. My head was spinning. I'd made plans to be in town anyway, so I wanted to clarify, and when I asked the question, about are you still planning on coming down, I got, "What the fuck are you talking about? M (a friend of MINE from high school) called and is coming in on Tuesday, he never visits, so I have to be here." {Well, A little backstory, our very first "date" was spent talking about M, who, upon finding out that we were about to meet and knew one another, after 20 years of knowing her, which would have made her twelve, spilled his guts about wanting to marry her. Yeah, dude has a significant other female that he's been with for over 8 years, who knew nothing about this undying, unrequited love. Still doesn't, but I sincerely hope his asshole is turning inside out just thinking that I am going to tell her because we are still Facebook friends, yet he and I are not. I spoke to the girl about M as a brother, and he spoke of me like a dog apparently. I let him know that I knew via FB message, saw that he'd seen it, gave him an hour to respond and blocked his chicken-shit, no integrity ass. Now, this is someone I'd known almost 40 years. Bewm. Gone. This came at DEFCON 5 described below}

So I went into town anyway, bearing gifts (one of two rosaries) because of the following cockamamie story. I was mad, but not letting it on I just got quiet.The story was about "sleep paralysis" and demons appearing in her bedroom. Specifically Pan, half goat, half man. The god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature of mountain wilds, hunting and rustic music, and companion of the nymphs.^{[2 [Wikipedia]}   She found some other definition that I had never heard that basically made Pan out to be a representation of Satan, found some dud on line, whom "she trusted" who was willing to sell her a "kit" to clear him away for a paltry $245. Sweet Baby Jesus what a bargain! Wow. I make it a practice of not cracking on people's belief systems, but damn. That one went outta the ball park, just on the simple fact that this is a person who is constantly struggling for money, and just borrowed $20 from me (still don't have it) and  was going to pay all this money for some hoodoo. I looked up the site, and it's not even valid hoodoo. It's a candle shop. Their 'bat's blood' is probably cherry jello. 

Tuesday rolls around and M doesn't show. Some bullshit excuse. Instead of wanting to spend time alone with me, she sees that I am dressed nicely, and takes me to her friend's house, who, by the way is 190 days out after a nine year prison term, for a violent offense, to ride 4 wheelers and dirt bikes. I'm dressed up, sort of, dirt bike. ATV.  There was a half acre of land to ride on that was maybe a 10-15% grade. Home girl had just figured out how to ride the thing 20 minutes prior, begged me to get on it. Which I really was fine watching. So, fool takes it up the steepest, slickest, most worn part in first gear, at about 5mph, and when we started sliding backwards, began yelling at me, because I "wasn't holding on to (her) tight enough." THIS from the person, who for weeks, had been telling me to not get attached. On the way home that night, she explained why she'd been so moody the week before, she was strung out on pills of unknown variety, strength, and combination. The next day I have errands of my own, a time to meet her, and she has her shit all up in a wad because again, she miscommunicated, was mad at something else, was taking it out on me, mad because I picked her up in a vehicle in which she could not smoke, instead of being grateful that I was taking her mother to work to start with, then didn't want to be around my mother so I had to drop her off, go get my car and come back and get her at a place I had just been, to drive back to hang with the convict we'd just hung out with the day before. Enough already.  High drama no more. I'm done. Leaving it alone in my mind, my decisions are made. I'll be polite and drift away. I return home for a couple of days which was long enough for her to lose her ever-loving shit. 

In the 3 days I was gone, apparently, she had some more conversations with the ex-con, who also happens to be messing around with a 20 year old married chick with two kids, that live with her Mama because her husband is kinda violent. Ex-con called me a "weirdo." Bubblegum was about to start working at a strip club as a bartender and that friends, was the final straw for me, and before I could open my mouth, this woman, a 32 year old, who had no clue that M had loved her for 20 years, who had been a major player in some serious hate groups, who'd just mailed 15 kissy face pictures of herself, and her posing with the other ex-con, as though they were in a relationship, to 'friends' in a women's prison for the 'spank bank', was  emotionally,  mentally, and spiritually raking me over the coals while lecturing me about relationships. 

DEFCON 5

"Suddenly" she has two other friends that I went to high school with who "had some things to say" about me. She begins to prattle and I go deaf….

I'm not usually mean, but I'm like hold up bitch. You look like a piece of gum (thus the moniker Bubblegum) out from under a prison visitation table.You have possibly the most random selection of tattoos I have ever seen on anyone in my life, and I have seen a metric shit-ton of both good and bad tattoos. Not only are they random, they are half-assed. Your hair is stringy and 4 different colors. You said several times that I had 10 personalities, but when I look at the facts, and go through the texts, that's all you; every accusation slung my way is you Both your parents are serious junkies, as in every day is a struggle to find what they need to get through the day. You lie to someone you love every day to get them what they need. You do it for them, You work to pay for their habit. You do it willingly, yet you say you know the definition of insanity and that is me. You just spent a week, by your own admission "strung out on pills, and don't know what all you took." All of the people you hold dear are in prison, or are members of a Hate group.  Even the ones who pretend to be against hate, HATE THE HATERS. WHAT THE FUCK? In the name of disrupting an organization against hate, you caused, by vandalism of real property, what you called "mischief and mayhem." I'd heard some things, and finally Googled your name. Sweet Mary. Page after page, after page, of articles about you Getty Images of you in your Hate Group. I discovered that sometimes, everything you read about people on the internet is true, but the most true thing I read, is that everyone you latch on to ends up being your enemy if you don't get your way. If you can't manipulate them and be the center of attention at all times, they are your enemy. 

I love Red Pills. I truly do. Those red flags GLOW. 

Elevator Confessions 6/25

Elevator Confessions:
* I was going to Facebook runaway. This past weekend's recharge made me not hate people again. Thank you Lee, Mike, Lisa, Drea for reminding me that, in fact, all people do not suck. 
* 4 miles made my knee mad, but I will not be taking anything for pain. The weaning begins. 
* Foreign movies are almost always better, but sometimes, I just don't like reading my movies. Spanish, Dutch (WTH) and German (AWTH) I can gist it. Canadians are currently ahead of the Brits in this category.
* I haven't had a cigarette in 95 days. Don't miss them.
* Discovered, thank you Debi, a new weed that I am going to eradicate with prejudice and vengeance, as it is going to be the death of me. No neighbors are growing foodstuffs, but I won't take the chance, so Roundup is out, but the Cody flame-thrower is looking good. I con't care what everyone else is using it for I want it gone.
* I do not understand that there are cell phones in Dubai that are worth more than my house. I also do not understand the gold bar vending machine. I guess if ya got it…
* The Social Anxiety Machine has been at a Full-Tilt boogie lately, but the sleeping to avoid it has been 11 hour marvelous.
* I am really fighting time these days. Read, Journal, Writethedamnbook, a friend suggested a 14-day letter to burn as well. I guess I am back to the 30/30 app so I can get back into balance with everything and stop stressing myself out over what I "should" be doing right now.
* I reconnected with my best friend this weekend as well. The one person who has seen behind ALL the walls. It's been 10 years. Too, too, damn long. I am breathing easier now. I feel whole again. That part was missing. Sometimes completion isn't found in a lover, it's found in the one who knows you and really loves you because of your brokenness, not in spite of it
* The people unveil their true self to me, the more I let them in. The more they hide, the further away I go.

Elevator confessions

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